1halffull's Blog


Losing Perspective
August 8, 2011, 3:17 am
Filed under: Sadness | Tags: ,

It’s amazing how fast things can change.

 One day, you’re on the beam, walking it perfectly and the next, you’ve fallen off and you definitely can’t get back up.

 That’s what has happened to me this year.  One thing on top of the next.  Mind whirling dervishly.  Suddenly in the middle of the biggest anxiety attack I’ve ever seen because the steaks I cooked weren’t as tender as I wanted them to be!!!

HOLY COW!

The next morning, after figuring out that I hadn’t had a heart attack, I took stock, lock and barrel of myself and my surroundings and realized how many disappointments I’d endured since February.  None of them are end of the world, earth shattering tragedies.  Still, there are about a half dozen or so events that needed to be worked through and weren’t.

I realized that in my attempt to pretend that all was still right with the world, I hadn’t acknowledged that instead, it was all completely contretemps to my usual life.  What I saw was that I’d been hiding out, pretending that in the midst of all the loss, everything was still normal.  I’m not surprised at that.  It’s a survival mode that I’ve used all my life.

In the midst of trial, even though I’ve learned that my help has most often come from the Lord, this time, I was ignoring Him.  I might have even been misdirecting a bit of ire toward Him by turning my back – not completely – but shrugging off any attempts He might be making toward me to ease my pain.  My plan was to live in Egypt, by de-Nile.  That allowed me to ignore my own need for help.  I’d show anyone who might be looking.

But the anxiety attack brought me up short, staring into the mirror, seeing my current life flash before my eyes in all its sadness and grief.  I recognized right then that I needed to clean up this act, take it off the road, and take it directly to Him for a good going over. 

What’s really interesting about God is that He’s always ready to take you in, provide you with help and with healing.  He’s also usually going to teach you something profound in the process.  He uses your own mess to show you His love, pour out His grace and mercy and forgive you for your own bad behavior.

He’s also often very blunt.  His notes for me came in the form of this morning’s message at church.  It was a marvel as it seemed spelled out just for me.  He not only lifted my spirit, but also showed me the first steps to getting through all this.  I felt real joy in realizing just how much He cares for me.  Even when I ignore Him, He’s not ignoring me; He’s planning my way out of my mess.  Another reason why I love Him – He never gives up on me – even when I give up on myself.

I can honestly say that I’m not out of the woods yet.  But at least, following in the footsteps of the Lord, I’ve begun to find my way out.  I give Him thanks for that.