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Right now, my daughter is vascillating between being a very sick girl and an almost very sick girl. She had some surgery that looked like it went pretty well. We should have known better before we even had those thoughts because, just as fast as it seemed good, it went bad.
For two weeks, it’s been quite the little roller coaster ride. As bad as it is for her, alone where she is, it feels pretty much as bad here, where she isn’t. It’s hard not to be able to look into her face, peer at her belly, step in front of the doctor and give some of my pent up medical wisdom. My husband reminds me that I’m NOT a doctor. I agree that I don’t have the degree to prove it, but I’m pretty darn street smart when it comes to figuring some things out. Plus I work in a hospital and have access to some really great medical minds. Okay, so I cheat.
I believe in God all the time – not just bad times, but good ones, too. I’ve come to know that when I pretty much feel helpless, like now, I can turn to God. I think He’s about the only one who hears and answers all the time: There is one thing we can be sure of when we come to God in prayer. If we ask anything in keeping with what He wants, He hears us. If we know that God hears what we ask for, we know that we have it. ~ 1 John 5:14,15
But wait, there’s more!
In these situations, I sometimes behave like I want God to be more like Monty Hall than the owner of everything in the Universe. I find myself hoping that somehow, we can ‘make a deal’ for whatever it is I’m desperate for, in this case, my daughter’s restoration to good health. Suddenly, instead of desiring what is His will for her life, I want Him to trade me something that I might bring for this great prize – her health restored. Doing it now would not be too soon!
If you remember, on “Let’s Make A Deal”, the contestants brought goofy things that they would trade away to Monty for some great prize. Of course, sometimes they got the booby prize.
Like them, I have this thing that I’m bringing to God – my daughter’s illness – and I want to trade it for something better – her health. But for some reason, a lack of trust suggests that instead, He’ll hand me the booby prize. That is my fear talking.
But really. What kind of deal can I make with a Guy who owns everything in the entire universe? What can He possibly need that I could even begin to offer? Not much really. Besides, I figure that anything, even the biggest sacrifice I could ever think to make, couldn’t begin to compare to the one He already made for me by sacrificing His Son, Jesus.
And yet, the Bible tells me that if I will pray, asking Him for what I need, He’ll hear and answer me, sometimes beyond my greatest desires. He also says that if I, as a parent, would give my kids good things, how much more then, would He do for us if we just ask Him? ~ Matthew 7:11
The Bible also talks about people who prayed and fasted (gave up food) to prove to the Lord how much a particular problem or issue meant to them. They did these things to show God just how great was their desire to have Him hear them and respond positively on their behalf. In comparison to shedding blood, this seems pretty simple. And yet, He clearly responds.
I admit that in the past, I have made sacrifices on behalf of people I have loved. One was, for me, pretty big. At the time, I thought it was just about the best I could do as a human. Somehow, I figured it covered it all.
But here I am again with what is in my heart, a great need: my daughter’s health. What is there that I could possibly give God in return for this? It doesn’t seem like there’s much left.
Which turns my mind (and my heart?) in a different direction. When there’s nothing left that is meaningful to me to bring to Him, what can I do? I even ask myself this: if there was still something left, do I want to bring it? Do I want to make every ‘crisis’ a ‘let’s make a deal’ situation? Doesn’t that kind of paint me into a corner?
If I do that, am I limiting God by painting Him in the image of Monty Hall rather than the image of one who has limitless capability?
Instinctively, I know it is better to choose the God of limitless capability.
I think it’s possible that I have reached a crossroad in my relationship with God: I can either continue to try to bargain, or I can really begin to lay down my fear and exercise trust. For a control freak like me, no easy task.
But maybe that’s what He’s been waiting for me to bring all along: nothing but pure trust.
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