1halffull's Blog

What does it take to make a big change?

You must start with one small step away from what you want to change toward what you want to accomplish through the change.

When I was in college – all three times – I studied both psychology and sociology/social work.  In case you don’t know what those are – both study people.  Psychology is more about mental states and emotions.  Sociology/social work is more about people and their culture and how they function in various situations.  Both studies are very much intertwined because people don’t function just as a thought or emotion, but in relation to their culture, nature and nurture.

Which brings us to families and how we relate.

I learned a long time ago that it is not uncommon for adults, when they get back together within their traditional family of origin, to revert back to the position they held in that family while growing up.  If you were the agitator between the ages of birth and 18, you will most likely still be one now at the family gatherings.  If you were the bully, you may try to reenact that behavior as well.  If you were the whiner, the crier, the helper – whatever role you assumed as a kid, it shouldn’t surprise you to look in the mirror the second day of Christmas vacation with your siblings and see that same person staring back at you.  SURPRISE!

For a really long time, I thought that theory made sense, even if it did seem a bit immature.  But recently I’ve gotten a bit of a different view of the subject.

While there are many families whose siblings seem to stay relatively close, making the return to roles obviously about resuming the family of origin’s initial traits, there are also the families where the members grow apart – sometimes far apart – for any number of reasons.  For some, obstacles of personality, jealousy, addictions or disinterest got in the way of the relationship.  For others, they built invisible walls as a means of emotional protection.

The question is:  how do two (or more) such people reconnect?

With no current affiliation or context by which to relate, sibs may be left with only one thing to draw on – the past.  This can be a good place to start, but only if you’re reaching into the hat that held all of the ‘good’ stuff.  You’re not going to encourage a relationship by bringing up the embarrassing things that were done in the foolishness of youth!  Most of us want that stuff to be left where it belongs – in the past, under a rock, at the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean.

Reaching, rather, for the recollection of the happy times that you shared with your sibling could be a better way to start.  Vacations, playing in the neighborhood with friends, watching that really scary movie – 100 times.  Remember the supportive moments between you when one or the other got punished for something.  Pull out the things that used to make you both laugh, especially antics that bound you together against the common enemy:  the parents!

If some interest is shown in these shared good memories, you might then venture on to clearing away the cobwebs by carefully exploring what caused the separation.  Speak kindly; really hear the other person’s point of view and ask them to hear yours.  Find a common ground.

If damage has been done, forgiveness needs to step up to the plate and be given and received.  Grudges have no place in a healing relationship nor do feelings of superiority.  We’re all fallible; we all fall down.  It’s in the getting back up again that we find our courage to plunge forward.

No, I’m not Pollyanna – although that is one of my favorite movies.  I do realize that sometimes the most we can hope for is just to make the best of being in the same room with the other person.  In real life, we don’t necessarily like everyone we meet, including family members.  In spite of that, hopefully, we can find a way to love them enough to treat them with care.

I hope in this season that throws family members together, you’ll take time to reach into your memory hat for the spark that just might rekindle a relationship that was once important to you.  Someday, it may be all you have left.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.   ~ 2 Corinthians 3:17

Fences.

Not long after we first moved to this house, we got new neighbors at our backs.  One of the first things they did once the snow melted, was build a fence around their back yard.  Not the three foot kind that invites over-the-fence conversation, but the six foot kind of fence that screams ‘stay out’ on one side and ‘stay in’ on the other.

Their reason for building it was to provide a safe place for their kids and the dog to play.  That fence did a great job; the children and dog were safe the entire time they lived there except when the boy fell from the swingset and broke an arm.  I guess fences can’t protect us from everything, can they?

The fence also did something else:  it put up a wall against potential relationships between these people and their neighbors.  Personally, I don’t see that as a plus.

The next people who owned the house took the fence down immediately.  It’s been easy to get to know them.  There are no barriers.

There have been a lot of fences/walls put up through history.  One of the most famous is  The Berlin Wall. 

~ photo borrowed from Flikr

The Berlin Wall solidified the division between East and West Berlin, as the ruling communist government sought to protect East Berlin from the ‘capitalist dogs’.  Construction of the actual wall started under darkness, while Berliners slept during the night of August 16, 1961.  Imagine the shock of the citizens the next morning as they saw the beginnings of this ugly reminder of unwanted bondage!

Suddenly families, friends and neighbors found themselves utterly separated. One half lived in freedom, the other lived in total bondage – separated by only about a six inch band of 11’6″ high fence that snaked through the cities out into the countryside. 

Even though they were ‘free’, the West Berliners could not cross into East Berlin.  There were 302 watch towers along the 96 miles of the Berlin Wall.  Twenty-three miles of it went through residential areas.    For all kinds of reasons, five thousand people made it safely to freedom over the wall; 192 people were killed trying to cross over it between its inception in 1961 and its demise in 1989.  Another 200 were injured by shooting while trying to breach the wall to get to the freedom on the other side.

On the whole, no real good seems to have come to the builders of this fence/wall.  Ultimately, Communism and the Cold War ended.  The border was reopened on November 9, 1989 and the wall/fence fully destructed by the end of 1990. 

So much for fences.

Bridges.

A bridge, by definition, is a link or connection between two permanent structures.

There are many types of physical bridges.  There are intricate and simple truss bridges; abuttment bridges; draw bridges; rigid frame, fixed arch and cantilever bridges to name a few.   Probaby everyone of us crosses a bridge of some sort every single day by driving over a river, a freeway, a street, a deep gully.  Sometimes, we even cross one as we enter the threshold of a new home, a new family, a new church.

Bridges are open pathways between two points.  They encourage connection.  Sometimes they lift their ‘arms’ to let something larger go through.  They protect the regular traffic from getting hurt by doing so. 

photo borrowed from 'Something Wicked This Way Blogs'

Bridges are often beautiful in their construction and we know them by name:  The Golden Gate Bridge (San Francisco, CA); The George Washington Bridge (NY,NY); The Chesapeake Bay Bridge  in Maryland; The Zakim Bridge in Boston.  Unless you’re hauling something illegal, or the bridge is under construction, you will always find an open way to get from one side to the other.  

Sometimes, however, there is a cost involved as there is for each one of these bridges.  It’s up to you to decide in advance whether you are willing to bear the cost.  

Along with physical bridges, there are also relational bridges.  These are the pathways that we use to form relationships with one another. 

Relationships are formed through meetings of minds and hearts.   Sometimes they are initiated through birth rights; others are begun in a coffee shop, in the workplace, on the street, at a place of worship.  When people diligently work on these relationships they often blossom and grow. 

Sometimes, however, someone takes advantage of their relationship with others and uses it to try to remove their freedom of  choice.  Often, it’s initiated quietly, stealthily, behind the scenes.  No one even recognizes it’s happening.  Suddenly all the decisions are being made by one person.  No one is paying any attention, and they just go along.  They have no idea who they’re following nor where that person is leading them.    

There are those who even purpose to build fences that are invisible to all but themselves.  They say they’re doing it to protect the group or other persons; more often than not, they’re trying to build a fence so that they can control those within its boundaries.  This can lead to a terrible end.

Jim Jones was one of these controllers who put up a very large fence.  Those who innocently followed him into the middle of it, drank Kool Aid that led to their death.  Following the wrong people can cost you more than you were ever willing to spend.

The best bridge I ever saw looks like this:

I really love it.  It’s shaped like no other and it leads us from a life that points only to the abyss of the grave to a life of eternity with God. 

Initially, we are all together on the same side of the chasm that this bridge crosses – lost in our own devices. 

The great thing about this bridge is that we are free to cross to the other side at any time.  The person who built the bridge, Jesus, is waiting there to take you across.  You only need to accept Him as your Savior and commit your life to Him.  Once you cross this bridge, with Jesus in your heart, you leave your old life behind for a new life where Christ walks with you through every circumstance.  No more guilt, no more shame, just freedom to become all that God always intended for you to become.

Jesus built this bridge with the sacrifice of His own life, freely given, so that you might freely receive.  Every person can cross when you choose to believe in Him and the work that was done for you on that Cross 2,000 years ago.   There’s no fence keeping you out….just the Cross of Christ inviting you in.

I’m so thankful that Jesus was about building bridges and not fences.  If you’re in a place that’s all fenced in, seek Jesus.  He will lead you out, across the bridge, to new life in Him.

In this world, loss is never ending

There is so much that should have been.

The only hope we have

Is that we’ll see you yet again

When Jordan’s shores we cross

To the reunion that never ends.

Still missing you, Dad, even after 30 years.

            In loving memory

            Robert ‘Red’ Page

        8/11/1920 ~ 7/1/1981

When you read this, you may wonder:  Is this what her previous emancipation proclamation was all about?  The answer is yes and no.

For me, humor is always appropriate, so yes.  Did I need to emancipate myself for this?  No.

I received the following from a friend.  I loved it so much I wanted to reprint it – thanks to whoever originated it.  I’m betting they look something like me physically.  Bless them.

I loved this and wanted to add some thoughts of my own:

1.  Would it be faster to order a tanker truck of Dawn and just jump in?

2.  If I use starch on my face, would that eradicate the wrinkles?  (for those of you who have no idea what ‘starch’ is or what it was used for, look it up!)

3.  Could I use suspenders to hold up my sagging belly or any other parts south of my neck?

4.  If Oxi-Clean removes the worst stains, could it remove the liver spots that keep appearing on my arms?

5.  What about bleach?  It can remove color from my hair, so can it remove the dark circles under my eyes?  (DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME!)

6.  Or should one think of pouring peroxide on the dark spots then go stand in the sun to see if they’ll lighten up?

7.  I’ve read that tomatoes are a good food to eat to help prevent cancer.  If I rub tomatoes on my skin, will they prevent skin cancer?

8.  Do you get milky white skin by sitting in a tub of whole milk?

9.  You use warm wax or sticky, warm honey to tear hair out of your legs.  Can you use the same stuff to exfoliate your face?  OUCH!

10.  Can you use self-tanning products to create temporary tattoos?  (Go ahead and try this at home.  Send me photos of your results.)

Well, it’s a lean day, mentally.  So I’ll stop now.  Feel free to add your own ideas in the comments section!  I’ll be watching.

Isn’t writing supposed to be freeing?  You’re supposed to get to express yourself – openly, honestly – write what’s on your mind.

So why do I not find it so?  I have a few items I’d like to be writing about but have to think about those who will read it, how they will feel, what they will think.  Surely some subjects will be followed directly by requests that I remove the piece so as not ‘to hurt’ someone or other.

But what if they need to be hurt?  What if what I’m going to say is the truth in plain sight and it is actually more detrimental for them NOT to read it?  What if not saying it ends life as they know it?  Or could have effected a change in someone that would affect the rest of their lives?  Should I have kept silent then?

I’m sick and tired of being expected to keep quiet because of some hidden agenda of another person!  Especially when that person only wants to control a situation to keep others in the dark about what’s really going on.

You’ve really gotta love Glinda.

People only have as much power over you as you give them.  For many of us, how we feel about that goes back to how we were raised.  If in an atmosphere of ‘just wait till your father gets home’, probably we’ll carry on thinking people, especially men, have a right to ‘punish’ us….at least verbally.

If we’ve been created in the image of guilt, then we most often will become people pleasers who don’t want to rock the boat.  Failure to do what we think is ‘expected’ finds us internally reckoning that we will be banished.

We’ve learned that doing what’s expected is just easier than challenging authority. It’s hard to change these attitudes, to adjust the record playing in my head.

The only answer is to embrace our own adult ‘power’.  We can’t allow others to intimidate us into doing the ‘expected’, especially when to do so goes against our own beliefs and values.  As adults, we must learn how to dare to challenge the ‘what’s expected’ without being intimidated.

I find the fear of intimidation to be very  limiting…and often, very frustrating.

So, this is your fair warning:

This space is mine, to write anything that I wish to write, to be read by anyone who dares to open up this blog and read it.  I accord you the ability to comment as you wish – even disagree with what I have to say - and ultimately, to not ever come back to read another word.  Those are your choices.

But understand this:  From this point forward, I will not be intimidated to remove or not write what’s on my mind by anyone.  And if you think I should, just remember this:  You have no power here!

Yesterday, Sunday, May 15th, was one of those unforgettable days, one that you add to your list of ‘best’ days.

We started our morning at 4:30 a.m. – no we’re not the birds trying to catch the first worm – we’re parents who were going to ‘fan’ for our son, Mike, who was running his first (and only, most likely) Cleveland Marathon.  We were also hoping to see our daughter-in-law, her brother and a friend of ours as they ran through the half-marathon. 

We caught up with Mike just past the four mile marker and many other markers along the way.  He was able to keep his pace and finished at four hours and 44 minutes!  Dan and I both agreed we’d have been finished pretty much after the third mile.  Period!  The half-marathoners also did very well and everyone was happy with the results.  

The Marathon was the last qualification that Mike had to achieve before graduating summa cum laude from Marshall Law College at Cleveland State University.  (Just kidding)

Once he crossed the finish line, it was home for a fast shower and redress then on to the graduation ceremony!  He’s worked so incredibly hard over these last three years – studying, participating in Moot Court, working on the Law Review, being a teaching assistant, working at the Public Defender’s office and a number of other activities that gave him a rich, law school experience.  The honors he received were well deserved. 

We were bursting with love, pride and happiness as we watched him receive his Juris Doctorate!  His accomplishment is awesome! 

Congratulations, Mike! We wish you the best life has to offer. 

It’s good to know we’ve got someone to bail us out now! Let the mayhem begin!  LOL

People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Pretty much, we’ve all heard that statement, yet we refuse to believe it.  It occurs to me to wonder why?  My answer is because we have no idea that we, too, are in danger of our own houses turning to glass.

We have the potentially false idea that the house we’re in, that we think is fully made of stainless steel, lined with lead, impervious to all attacks, will always be so.  Because of this, we may gain a false sense of pride and a certain belief in the indestructability of this house, a protection that is foolish to claim.

This false sense of security can make us do and say things to others that we may one day be faced with ourselves. 

For example, I knew a preacher who stood in front of his congregation and berated the parents of children he knew were having difficulties – mix ups with the law, drugs, and more.  He told them that it was their own (the parents) fault for not raising the kids the right way.  In a breath, he took a lot of hurting people and crushed them even further into the dirt.  They were already saddened and riddled with guilt, they didn’t need his further indictment.  He clearly felt safe in his stainless steel, lead lined house from where he cast boulders upon ‘his’ people.

About a month later, that same minister stood in his own pulpit, crying, confessing that one of his own children had, indeed, become a statistic.  In a breath, he had been brought as low as those he’d previously indicted for their lack of good parenting.  In a breath, his comfortable perch within the stainless steel, lead clad home became as fragile as glass.  Kindly, no one threw stones. 

There are many other similar stories.  You probably know some or even are some yourselves.

Those who think that the defiant, rule breaking acts of children, or adults who were once children, are simple reflections on the parenting skills of their parents need to have another look.

If that is true, then please explain the children who have lived in abusive (of any kind) delinquent families yet grow up to be loving, caring, giving citizens.  If the hypothesis is that good parents = good children/adults, then shouldn’t it stand to reason that bad parents can only = bad children/adults?

Nurture is not always to ‘blame’.  Nature often plays at least an equal part.

For those of you who haven’t figured it out yet, every person ever born has been born with their very own personality, character, and even a particular leaning and ability to adapt or not.  Some are born more easily influenced; others can’t be influenced if dragged over hot coals to get there.  Some will readily color within the lines; others couldn’t color within the lines if their lives depended on it. 

Every person is individually born exactly as he or she Is. 

Can you blame a parent for that?  I guess you can blame them if you believe they controlled the choice of which little sperm managed to beat all the rest to fertilize the waiting egg.  Even in invitro fertilization, there is not that fine tune control!

I won’t debate that the optimum in child-rearing is that parents will love their children enough to try to raise them to become reasonably sound citizens without causing too much harm to their over all well-being and creativity.  Even with that, life happens:  jobs are lost, considered choices are made that go awry; parents die; life gets hard and sometimes every family member suffers.  Those who are born to adapt, do; those who aren’t may fumble, but hopefully will ultimately land on their feet.

But I also can’t debate that there are some of us whose drummers beat more loudly and off the traditional beat, preventing us from taking the simpler, parent-directed path to becoming reasonable adults.  Some children can only get there the hard way, whatever that is for them.  I’m one of those.

So, next time you want to jump in and judge some parent for what their kid is doing, just STOP!  Both the parent and the child need your kindness, not your judgement. 

AND REMEMBER THIS:  You haven’t lived your whole life yet.  You have no idea when you just might find your perfect, stainless steel, lead lined house turning to glass.